The above quote shares my sentiments; some things cannot be fixed; “they can only be carried.”
Grief is one of those things. We may feel broken or shattered, yet we are not broken, nor do we need to be fixed.
Navigating complex emotions can make anyone’s world spin.
Grief is a topic that we rarely talk about, and when we do, it’s often accompanied by discomfort or sympathy. We’ve all been there, trying to find the right words to console a grieving friend, feeling helpless in their pain. But have you ever wondered about the depth of their suffering?
Grief is more than just sorrow. It’s an intricate tapestry of emotions that can’t be neatly packaged into stages or timelines. It’s a personal, raw, and often invisible journey, and it’s time to talk about it.
For years, the thought has been that grief is something we must overcome until we heal and become “whole” again. We often associate grief with brokenness, but it’s part of our human experience. In grief, we’re not broken and certainly don’t need fixing. Instead, we learn to navigate the uncharted waters of sorrow, loss, and renewal.
Grief is not a one-size-fits-all.
It’s multidimensional and differs for each of us, shaped by the circumstances of our loss, experiences, and relationships.
The five grief stages are discussed as if they happen in order.
⫸denial
⫸anger
⫸bargaining
⫸depression
⫸acceptance
Yet, what do they mean?
Denial and Shock: a sense of disbelief. We can’t fathom the reality of our loss, and our minds go into a protective state, shielding us from the full impact. It’s as if we’re trying to convince ourselves that it’s all a terrible dream.
Anger: a common and natural emotion. We can be angry at the universe, ourselves, the person who passed away, or even life itself.
Bargaining: wanting to change the situation by making deals with a higher power or the universe. And thinking we controlled the situation, “If only I had done this differently, maybe it wouldn’t have happened.”
Depression: a profound sadness and emptiness. It’s a deep sense of loss, of missing someone integral to our lives.
Acceptance: coming to terms with the situation’s reality and having begun to find a way to live with it.
On their own, each has merit, and I have felt each of them.
I disagree with calling these emotions stages and thinking they go in order as if there is a magic box to tick and “move on” to the next, like a game show.
Spoiler Alert-there is no prize.
Each emotion can be felt at any time and with other feelings.
When my son, Stefan, passed, I accepted that he had died, yet I still wanted to wake up from the nightmare. Going through guilt and regret, deep sadness, isolation and feeling misunderstood intertwined for years into my life.
Others don’t see the additional losses or changes, both tangible and intangible, that often intensify grieving. The physical side effects, the loneliness, the brain fog, the loss of trust, the loss of dreams and more.
In my opinion, grief resembles a tangled web that we try to unravel, yet each thread we pull seems to reveal a deeper layer of complexity and mystery, leaving us to wonder: will we ever truly understand the tapestry of our emotions, memories, and the profound impact of loss on our lives? Yet, grief evolves from a deep wound to a scar, leaving its imprint.
Shifting from a place of intense pain to a place where we can coexist with our grief, finding ways to integrate it into our lives.
In my journey, grief is a language of love; the circumstance didn’t change- it’s honouring our loved ones and ourselves with care.
Much love🧡
Maria Belanic